When Marriage Isn't Good
This week, Derik and I will celebrate our anniversary. I do not know why, but God chose to bless us with a great marriage. I could, and often do, go on and on about how much I love my husband and enjoy being with him.
However, next month marks the 17th anniversary of my first marriage and subsequent divorce. That marriage was awful and marked with pain and hurt. Many people in the church are very surprised to learn I'm divorced. Some believe that a real true Christian would never leave their spouse, and that if you do leave your spouse you have committed an unforgivable sin. I wonder if many of these church people carry around scarlet letter "A's" with them so that they can throw them on all the people they believe "earned" them. Interestingly, many of these "A labelers" tend to have good marriages and they just can't imagine how horrible an abusive marriage can be.
To be clear, the Bible states definitively that God is very very much against divorce! Divorce tears a person's life apart. Even divorce after a terrible abusive marriage, while it brings relief, is never a celebration. At one point, I viewed my divorce as an eternal funeral. It is not something I enjoyed or thought would be part of my life. And yet, as I mourned, I was chastised for getting a divorce, because "obviously, if I really loved Jesus, I wouldn't leave my marriage." To some this still makes a lot of sense. But to all the people out there who enjoy beating up divorced people, I'd like to ask: Do you accuse a child who was raped of committing adultery? After all, didn't they have sex outside of marriage? Absurd, isn't it? We cannot pretend that we know the situations that happen within each other's marriages, and we should stop.
Bad marriages and divorce have been a problem in humanity for many many years. Marriages where people tear each other down instead of pointing one another to Christ dishonor God and are miserable. This world is full of evil. The devil revels in destroying marriages. I am confident that divorce is the devil's design. We should always keep our marriages a priority and fight to make them pleasing to God. We should constantly pray for our spouse. We should honor God with our thoughts and our actions. But if we think our marriages are good because we are good Christians, we're wrong. And if we think our marriage is bad because we are bad Christians, that logic also fails. No one should act holier than thou because God chose to give them a good marriage. Your marriage is good, because God blessed you with a good marriage. And if your marriage isn't so good, all hope is not lost. God is still good. He is still in control. He has the ability to take a messed up relationship and make it into something that honors Him.
Divorce is almost never the answer. God gives us multiple ways to maneuver through horrible relationships. And God is also strong enough and wise enough to help us maneuver through them. If you are struggling with a bad marriage, if you have been divorced, if you grew up in a home where one of your parents was abusive, please don't think it is because God isn't good. God is always good, and God's plan for marriage is excellent. With God, hope is never lost. He can do great and mighty things. If you are a Christian who has been blessed with great relationships in your life, encourage those around you who suffer in theirs. Remind them of God's goodness and the hope we have in Him. Be humble and thankful for your circumstances and always give credit where credit is due. It is not because we are such good Christians that we have been blessed with good relationships. We did not deserve them or earn them, it is only by the grace of God.
However, next month marks the 17th anniversary of my first marriage and subsequent divorce. That marriage was awful and marked with pain and hurt. Many people in the church are very surprised to learn I'm divorced. Some believe that a real true Christian would never leave their spouse, and that if you do leave your spouse you have committed an unforgivable sin. I wonder if many of these church people carry around scarlet letter "A's" with them so that they can throw them on all the people they believe "earned" them. Interestingly, many of these "A labelers" tend to have good marriages and they just can't imagine how horrible an abusive marriage can be.
Bad marriages and divorce have been a problem in humanity for many many years. Marriages where people tear each other down instead of pointing one another to Christ dishonor God and are miserable. This world is full of evil. The devil revels in destroying marriages. I am confident that divorce is the devil's design. We should always keep our marriages a priority and fight to make them pleasing to God. We should constantly pray for our spouse. We should honor God with our thoughts and our actions. But if we think our marriages are good because we are good Christians, we're wrong. And if we think our marriage is bad because we are bad Christians, that logic also fails. No one should act holier than thou because God chose to give them a good marriage. Your marriage is good, because God blessed you with a good marriage. And if your marriage isn't so good, all hope is not lost. God is still good. He is still in control. He has the ability to take a messed up relationship and make it into something that honors Him.
Divorce is almost never the answer. God gives us multiple ways to maneuver through horrible relationships. And God is also strong enough and wise enough to help us maneuver through them. If you are struggling with a bad marriage, if you have been divorced, if you grew up in a home where one of your parents was abusive, please don't think it is because God isn't good. God is always good, and God's plan for marriage is excellent. With God, hope is never lost. He can do great and mighty things. If you are a Christian who has been blessed with great relationships in your life, encourage those around you who suffer in theirs. Remind them of God's goodness and the hope we have in Him. Be humble and thankful for your circumstances and always give credit where credit is due. It is not because we are such good Christians that we have been blessed with good relationships. We did not deserve them or earn them, it is only by the grace of God.
Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:16-17
Thank you for sharing this, Sarah. My parents were separated off and on for four years. I was nine yrs old when they started to have marital problems. I witnessed emotional and some physical abuse, lies, silent treatment and so much more. I didn't grow up in a Christian home. I had terrible bouts of depression off and on for several years. I saw how friends and family treated my mom after the divorce and it was very hurtful. I believe God used my depression to finally bring me to him when I was 28 yrs old. When Jim and I were engaged, I became pregnant with my daughter. Jim and I moved our wedding date up. Then I went through another bout of depression because I feared our marriage wouldn't last like my parents. God had different plans. We have been married 31 years! Also, my parents are now good friends after all these years. They still aren't saved, but are definitely more open to the gospel. Anyways, I am so thankful that God used this situation bring me to Him. I am so glad you have found a wonderful, hardworking, loving husband!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful testimony God has given you! I pray that God will use you, your marriage, and your story to draw others to Himself!
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