Wives - Don't Sabotage Your Marriage
Sometimes my husband is absolutely wonderful, and sometimes I wonder if I can stand another hour with him. He can be super funny - annoyingly funny. Or he can be so angry, self-centered, tired, upset, irritable, (you fill in the blank), that I want to walk away. No marriage is perfect, and everyone goes through trials. But as I talk with many women who are upset with the state of their marriage, most automatically blame their husbands instead of considering how to help their relationship. I wish I could say, "If you do all of the right things your marriage will be great." But no such promise exists - not even in the Bible. We can only do what is wise and productive and avoid what is unwise and sinful.
A marriage is composed of two people coming together to form one unit. However if one half wants a good marriage and the other half does not, one half cannot force the other half to behave a certain way. It doesn't matter how right you are or how hard you work to do the right thing, a wife cannot and should not try to control her husband. Persistently telling your husband what to do will not endear him to you. Proverbs 21:19 reads, "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife."
Similarly, if one half of the unit is a Christian and the other half is not, each will live life by two different sets of rules. Before I agreed to marry Derik, I asked him 50 questions about his faith. Because many will say they are Christians, but few will defend their faith. I wanted to be sure when I married for the second time that my husband and I found our rules in the same place. I did not want to end up with someone who followed rules I knew nothing about. Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14) It does not matter how much you love someone, if they love themselves more than God, you won't see them in eternity, and it is also likely that they will love themselves more than they love you. (If you are already married to an unbeliever, the Bible tells you to stay in your marriage. More on that in 1 Corinthians 7)
In a marriage, both halves are supposed to help the other. This means wives are supposed to put their husband's desires before their own. That statement is controversial in today's society. But society doesn't exactly set the standard for healthy marriages. No matter how I feel, I do not have the right to be lazy, withhold sex, abdicate my mothering responsibilities, spend money frivolously, or expect to be worshiped in my home. So many marriages are in peril because women demand power. But truthfully, God has the power - not humanity. We went through a very trying time for about half a year. I was concerned our marriage might not make it. But I told Derik I would still do everything I did before we had this trouble. I would make his lunches, do all the paperwork, speak well of him, do most of the laundry (though he does all the ironing), and yes, sleep with him. Against the advice of all women's magazines, I wouldn't demand power. Instead, I'd show him I wanted a good marriage. Did we argue? Yes. Did we get angry? Yes. We're we both confused? Yes. But no matter how upset I was, I didn't want to sabotage my marriage. I wanted Derik to know, when he chose me, I was committed to being faithful in all areas even when I didn't feel like it. Christian women must be different. Society may shout one thing, but the Bible teaches differently.
Withholding sex is not found on the path to a good marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:5: Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.)
Refusing to parent well is not found on the path to a good marriage. (Proverbs 22:6, Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.)
Refusing to work in your home is not found on the path to a good marriage. (Titus 2:4-5, Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.)
Spending too much money on things you want is not found on the path to a good marriage. (Hebrews 13:5, Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have)
Demanding your husband worship you is not found on the path to a good marriage. (Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.)
None of these tactics, which many women use to gain power and 'get their way', are found on the path to a good marriage. Sadly it is true that you can do all the right things and still have a bad marriage. But all hope is not lost. God always hears the prayers of his children, and He has the ability to change people and relationships. Our marriages should be bathed daily in prayer. I pray for my husband. I want God to teach him and bless him. I pray that Derik will be strong and wise, healthy and loving, successful and humble. I pray that I will be a good wife to him and that God will make him exactly the husband I need. Even when we struggle in our marriages, we can choose to do things that will help instead of harm.
A marriage is composed of two people coming together to form one unit. However if one half wants a good marriage and the other half does not, one half cannot force the other half to behave a certain way. It doesn't matter how right you are or how hard you work to do the right thing, a wife cannot and should not try to control her husband. Persistently telling your husband what to do will not endear him to you. Proverbs 21:19 reads, "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife."
Similarly, if one half of the unit is a Christian and the other half is not, each will live life by two different sets of rules. Before I agreed to marry Derik, I asked him 50 questions about his faith. Because many will say they are Christians, but few will defend their faith. I wanted to be sure when I married for the second time that my husband and I found our rules in the same place. I did not want to end up with someone who followed rules I knew nothing about. Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14) It does not matter how much you love someone, if they love themselves more than God, you won't see them in eternity, and it is also likely that they will love themselves more than they love you. (If you are already married to an unbeliever, the Bible tells you to stay in your marriage. More on that in 1 Corinthians 7)
In a marriage, both halves are supposed to help the other. This means wives are supposed to put their husband's desires before their own. That statement is controversial in today's society. But society doesn't exactly set the standard for healthy marriages. No matter how I feel, I do not have the right to be lazy, withhold sex, abdicate my mothering responsibilities, spend money frivolously, or expect to be worshiped in my home. So many marriages are in peril because women demand power. But truthfully, God has the power - not humanity. We went through a very trying time for about half a year. I was concerned our marriage might not make it. But I told Derik I would still do everything I did before we had this trouble. I would make his lunches, do all the paperwork, speak well of him, do most of the laundry (though he does all the ironing), and yes, sleep with him. Against the advice of all women's magazines, I wouldn't demand power. Instead, I'd show him I wanted a good marriage. Did we argue? Yes. Did we get angry? Yes. We're we both confused? Yes. But no matter how upset I was, I didn't want to sabotage my marriage. I wanted Derik to know, when he chose me, I was committed to being faithful in all areas even when I didn't feel like it. Christian women must be different. Society may shout one thing, but the Bible teaches differently.
Refusing to parent well is not found on the path to a good marriage. (Proverbs 22:6, Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.)
Refusing to work in your home is not found on the path to a good marriage. (Titus 2:4-5, Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.)
Spending too much money on things you want is not found on the path to a good marriage. (Hebrews 13:5, Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have)
Demanding your husband worship you is not found on the path to a good marriage. (Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.)
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