Relationship Boundaries
My husband has a saying, "sick people attract sick people." He tells me this whenever I get confused about how a person who is mentally unhealthy can stay in a long term relationship with another person. Some people feel the need to fix other people and so they are attracted to people who have issues. Some people need their egos fed, so they are attracted to others who often need their egos fed, and they feed off of each other. These kinds of relationships are toxic.
It is one thing to choose which people we want to have relationships with, but what happens when you're forced into working relationships or familial relationships with people who have mental health issues or are just plain old selfish? You have to set boundaries.
What is a boundary? Simply put a boundary is where one thing stops and another thing starts. In a healthy loving relationship, boundary lines seem a bit vague. As long as my husband is treating me with love, kindness, and respect, I don't think much about boundary lines. But what happens when a spouse becomes abusive? What happens when a child misbehaves? What happens when a boss asks you to lie at work? Then, you must decide what biblical boundary you will hold.
Biblical boundaries are defined by biblical rules. Husbands are supposed to love their wives as themselves. If a wife is being beaten by her husband, he is sinning against God and his wife. The wife has every right to set up a boundary that will protect her physical well being. It may be moving out of the house. It may even be pressing charges in a court of law.
If a child steals from his or her parents, parents have every right - even a duty - to enforce a boundary and set up consequences for the sinful behavior.
If a boss asks a subordinate to lie to achieve a purpose, a Christian must realize that in the end we don't stand before our bosses on judgement day, we stand before God. And God's law always takes precedence.
Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. And some people who are very selfish or people with mental health issues, try push those boundary lines. Oddly, a lot of people have no idea where to draw appropriate boundaries. Any time someone is behaving badly on a regular basis, a boundary line needs to be drawn. Are you involved in a small group setting where one person continually dominates the conversation without regard to others? Does your spouse continually take advantage of you in an effort to get what they want? Does your child's behavior push you to the point where you give up training them? All of these situations require biblical boundary lines, not only for the sake of the offended, but the offender.
If I never disciplined my children in a loving and effective way, my life would be chaotic, and my child would grow up to be an entitled adult. If I continually enabled my spouse to be lazy or spend all the money, my life would be in turmoil, and our family harmed! If I continually allowed a selfish person to dominate all conversations in a small group setting, I would grow incredibly annoyed and resent that person, while the selfish person's sinful selfishness would be fed and grow. Without biblical boundary lines, everyone gets hurt.
However, when you hold people to boundary lines that they don't wish to hold, they will get angry. My children know the rules, they know when they've broken them, and they know that patterns of misbehavior will be met with discipline. Even though they know it is coming, I'm always the 'bad guy.' The same principle applies in friendships. I have vowed to always try to speak truth in love to people. When a friend shows a pattern of behavior that hurts others, I address it biblically. Sometimes my friends leave our friendship - claiming I wounded them by calling out their behavior. I am painted as the real 'bad guy.' Sadly, those friends go on to hurt others and leave a trail of broken relationships behind them. Their own behavior speaks louder than their words. I had a principle once who asked me to change failing grades to passing grades because of the skin color or socioeconomic class of the children I taught. I told him he was welcome to do it, but I would not. My grades were fair for everyone. I got written up. But when I stand before God, He will not condemn me for that boundary I held.
When you hold boundary lines, unethical, selfish, and mentally ill people will not speak highly of you. However, after a while sometimes they do. I taught alternative ed students for 5 years during my career. A lot of my kids had issues. Many of them did not like me in the beginning, but plenty of them liked me in the end. There were rules in my class - the same rules for everyone. I cared deeply for them, but I also held firm boundary lines. My students knew I could be trusted, not only with their education, but sometimes with their deepest secrets. Biblical boundary lines, enhance relationships and help people.
I like to read Job from chapter 38 to chapter 41. I read it often because it puts me in my place. During these 4 chapters, God explains to Job who He really is and who Job is in comparison. One of my favorite passages is below. In it, God explains how he set boundaries for the ocean - something Job could never do.
It is one thing to choose which people we want to have relationships with, but what happens when you're forced into working relationships or familial relationships with people who have mental health issues or are just plain old selfish? You have to set boundaries.
What is a boundary? Simply put a boundary is where one thing stops and another thing starts. In a healthy loving relationship, boundary lines seem a bit vague. As long as my husband is treating me with love, kindness, and respect, I don't think much about boundary lines. But what happens when a spouse becomes abusive? What happens when a child misbehaves? What happens when a boss asks you to lie at work? Then, you must decide what biblical boundary you will hold.
Biblical boundaries are defined by biblical rules. Husbands are supposed to love their wives as themselves. If a wife is being beaten by her husband, he is sinning against God and his wife. The wife has every right to set up a boundary that will protect her physical well being. It may be moving out of the house. It may even be pressing charges in a court of law.
If a child steals from his or her parents, parents have every right - even a duty - to enforce a boundary and set up consequences for the sinful behavior.
If a boss asks a subordinate to lie to achieve a purpose, a Christian must realize that in the end we don't stand before our bosses on judgement day, we stand before God. And God's law always takes precedence.
Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. And some people who are very selfish or people with mental health issues, try push those boundary lines. Oddly, a lot of people have no idea where to draw appropriate boundaries. Any time someone is behaving badly on a regular basis, a boundary line needs to be drawn. Are you involved in a small group setting where one person continually dominates the conversation without regard to others? Does your spouse continually take advantage of you in an effort to get what they want? Does your child's behavior push you to the point where you give up training them? All of these situations require biblical boundary lines, not only for the sake of the offended, but the offender.
If I never disciplined my children in a loving and effective way, my life would be chaotic, and my child would grow up to be an entitled adult. If I continually enabled my spouse to be lazy or spend all the money, my life would be in turmoil, and our family harmed! If I continually allowed a selfish person to dominate all conversations in a small group setting, I would grow incredibly annoyed and resent that person, while the selfish person's sinful selfishness would be fed and grow. Without biblical boundary lines, everyone gets hurt.
However, when you hold people to boundary lines that they don't wish to hold, they will get angry. My children know the rules, they know when they've broken them, and they know that patterns of misbehavior will be met with discipline. Even though they know it is coming, I'm always the 'bad guy.' The same principle applies in friendships. I have vowed to always try to speak truth in love to people. When a friend shows a pattern of behavior that hurts others, I address it biblically. Sometimes my friends leave our friendship - claiming I wounded them by calling out their behavior. I am painted as the real 'bad guy.' Sadly, those friends go on to hurt others and leave a trail of broken relationships behind them. Their own behavior speaks louder than their words. I had a principle once who asked me to change failing grades to passing grades because of the skin color or socioeconomic class of the children I taught. I told him he was welcome to do it, but I would not. My grades were fair for everyone. I got written up. But when I stand before God, He will not condemn me for that boundary I held.
When you hold boundary lines, unethical, selfish, and mentally ill people will not speak highly of you. However, after a while sometimes they do. I taught alternative ed students for 5 years during my career. A lot of my kids had issues. Many of them did not like me in the beginning, but plenty of them liked me in the end. There were rules in my class - the same rules for everyone. I cared deeply for them, but I also held firm boundary lines. My students knew I could be trusted, not only with their education, but sometimes with their deepest secrets. Biblical boundary lines, enhance relationships and help people.
Job 38:8-11
Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt’?
God is a God of not only physical boundaries, but spiritual boundaries. He has put boundaries on Earth and in the spiritual realm. He has given us boundaries to abide by and He expects us to make boundaries a part of our lives. Boundaries were created by God for our benefit. It is important that we use them in a way that honors God.
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