An "A" Marriage with a "C" Spouse
I met my husband online through Match. Some people find that to be insane. I find it to be practical. After dating many people, the mathematician in me wanted a more efficient way to sort out all the wrong fits. So, I filled out all 50 some characteristics you can choose on Match and limited my search to my home state. There were no matches. So, just for fun, I searched the entire United States database, and three people out of three million potential matches were returned. Two of them were unattractive, and then there was Derik, but he was in Iowa. So, I sent him a quick note that simply said, "Too bad you are so far away." He replied, "China is far away. Michigan is but a car drive." Hmm. An interesting reply, and then the relationship slowly began. Here we are many years later in a happy marriage with a bus load of kids.
I tell this story because there are two main components of a good marriage - and neither of them include the feeling of love. First, I looked for someone who lived by the same set of rules. He was a Christian. He attended church regularly by himself. He was a hard worker, and he had a fairly strong sense of right and wrong. He also believed in his mind and felt in his heart accountable to God for his actions. I knew that if I was going to have a fulfilling and lasting marriage that I needed to find someone who followed the same rules I did. The Bible talks about this concept as being equally yoked. 2 Corinthians 6:14 reads, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" This means if a team of horses or oxen want to move in the same direction and accomplish their task, they need to be of similar minds. They have to listen to their driver, and they must do what they're told.
So it is with marriage. We are a team. We have a mission and a purpose. We need to operate on the same principles. If you add 1+1, most people will tell you the answer is 2. But the answer is only 2 if you're operating in base 3 or higher. (The system we use most often is base 10.) However, if a person is operating in base 2, 1+1=10. Do you know how hard it would be to get things accomplished if one person operates in base 2, while the other person operates in base 10? The two of them would have trouble communicating, working together, and finding agreement. Christians operate within the system that God defines. We have certain principles, beliefs, and understandings. For a marriage to be good and successful, it is really important that Christians marry Christians.
Secondly, my husband has tremendous potential. Potential? That sounds like a terrible reason to get married, right? He says he married me for my brains; I say I married him for his potential. But let me explain. While we were dating, Derik confided in me something he had done that was pretty awful. However, it was behind him and he had made a correction on his own in his life. He had chosen to repent of his sin and submit his life to Christ. While he was afraid exposing his weakness and confessing his past sins to me would drive me away, it actually did the opposite. I realized that given time, this man would willingly submit his will to God's will without anyone else pressuring him to do so. That kind of man is a man I could follow. Strength is not found in being stubborn, demanding, smart, physically strong, or even a willful leader. Strength is found in Christ alone. And any man who can admit their wrongs, change their behavior, and submit to Christ fully is a man full of potential and an excellent spouse in the making.
So, we got married. Life isn't always lovely. The man can annoy me to no end. And I'm not always pleasant to be around. Sometimes we don't feel like we love each other. We've both made big mistakes and we've even hurt each other. However, our marriage is very strong. It isn't strong because we're good looking, or smart, or without error - we really aren't any of those things. It is strong because we both follow Christ to the best of our ability. Derik asked me yesterday, "What grade would you give our marriage?" I responded, "An A, which is surprising because I married a C husband." Hahaha! We both laughed. But it is true. I'm a C wife as well. We both make big mistakes. We're very imperfect, and yet we have a very good marriage because we hold to God's system and we submit our will to His.
Every marriage has its problems. Every person has their own struggles. But good marriages can still be found between broken people in a broken world.
I tell this story because there are two main components of a good marriage - and neither of them include the feeling of love. First, I looked for someone who lived by the same set of rules. He was a Christian. He attended church regularly by himself. He was a hard worker, and he had a fairly strong sense of right and wrong. He also believed in his mind and felt in his heart accountable to God for his actions. I knew that if I was going to have a fulfilling and lasting marriage that I needed to find someone who followed the same rules I did. The Bible talks about this concept as being equally yoked. 2 Corinthians 6:14 reads, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" This means if a team of horses or oxen want to move in the same direction and accomplish their task, they need to be of similar minds. They have to listen to their driver, and they must do what they're told.
So it is with marriage. We are a team. We have a mission and a purpose. We need to operate on the same principles. If you add 1+1, most people will tell you the answer is 2. But the answer is only 2 if you're operating in base 3 or higher. (The system we use most often is base 10.) However, if a person is operating in base 2, 1+1=10. Do you know how hard it would be to get things accomplished if one person operates in base 2, while the other person operates in base 10? The two of them would have trouble communicating, working together, and finding agreement. Christians operate within the system that God defines. We have certain principles, beliefs, and understandings. For a marriage to be good and successful, it is really important that Christians marry Christians.
Secondly, my husband has tremendous potential. Potential? That sounds like a terrible reason to get married, right? He says he married me for my brains; I say I married him for his potential. But let me explain. While we were dating, Derik confided in me something he had done that was pretty awful. However, it was behind him and he had made a correction on his own in his life. He had chosen to repent of his sin and submit his life to Christ. While he was afraid exposing his weakness and confessing his past sins to me would drive me away, it actually did the opposite. I realized that given time, this man would willingly submit his will to God's will without anyone else pressuring him to do so. That kind of man is a man I could follow. Strength is not found in being stubborn, demanding, smart, physically strong, or even a willful leader. Strength is found in Christ alone. And any man who can admit their wrongs, change their behavior, and submit to Christ fully is a man full of potential and an excellent spouse in the making.
Every marriage has its problems. Every person has their own struggles. But good marriages can still be found between broken people in a broken world.
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