American Parenting Guilt
Have you seen the show, "The Kids Are Alright"? Derik and I have great appreciation for that show. The more we watch it, the more we relate. Set in the early 70's, it predates our childhood by only a couple of years, and outside of the moral bends the wife takes to suit her own needs, I probably resemble the character a little too closely. Nearly every day, I repeat the phrase to my children, "You're alright. Is anyone bleeding?"
I have fond memories of growing up unsupervised exploring our neighborhood with fellow neighborhood kids. We played cops and robbers, mimicked school on our front porch, ran our bikes down the middle of residential streets, and were generally told to keep outside all summer long. As a six year old, I had enormous freedom. I also remember getting bored and wondering if I could harvest marigold seeds from my mothers flowers, package them, and start a business. I believe my friend and I opted to run a lemonade stand instead - probably a wise choice seeing as that the marigold business plan would not have been too profitable. Sometimes my mom would play with me, but more often than not, she tied one end of a rope to the garage door and told me to play jump rope with a friend. You see, she was busy doing mom things and I was busy doing kid things.
Fast forward to today, and the standard for parenting in America has changed. Many Christian women now believe and advise that we are to be everything to our kids. That's an interesting idea and utterly unattainable when you have 3 or more children. Perhaps if you only have a child or two, you might feel successful controlling every minute of your child's life. But we have six, so our family stays fairly busy and many of my kids function on their own without my input for most of the day. Gasp! Let the comments of condemnation from social media commence!
According to facebook advice from fellow Christians, I am supposed to:
1) Go to all my kids games
2) Pack my children's lunches and add I love you notes.
3) Play with my children and set up play dates for my children.
4) Read to my kids (okay...this one I do every day)
5) Always be ready to listen to my kids and give them my undivided attention
6) Never spank my children
7) Believe my children are my everything
8) Build up my child's self confidence
9) Ensure that my children don't feel bad
10) Other advice...usually in meme form
None of this is biblical - not even the reading to your kids part. I told Derik the other day, "You know, parents who do all of this are teaching their children that they are the center of the universe. That can't be healthy."
Now, I'm not opposed to attending a child's game. Believe me, between all these kids, we go to a lot. I'm also very much for reading to children. I'll drop a note in a lunch from time to time. And I let my children play with other kids and invite other kids here. On a rare occasion, I'll even play with my own children - usually a board game or sport. However, I am a parent, not a child. I have parent things to do. My kids do their own laundry starting at 10. They also pack their own lunches. And they play with each other. Very rarely do my children even ask me to play with them. That's not my job.
My main role as a mother is not to make my children feel good about themselves, but rather to teach them about God. We talk about God every single day. He is the center of what we do, how we think, and He surpasses everything, even our feelings. Hanging on our wall (until it fell and broke) was this verse written on birch bark: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." (Deuteronomy 6:5) I would have had more written on there, but you can only fit so many words onto a strip of bark. However the following four verses were not lost on me: "These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."
American parenting guilt does not come from the Bible. However, we SHOULD feel guilty when we do not teach our children the truth. If you are a Christian and you are letting your children decide for themselves how to navigate the spiritual world, then you should feel very guilty. As followers of Christ, we are supposed to not only teach our children the truth found in God's Word, but we are also supposed to apply that truth to our own lives. So if you harp on the Bible to your kids, but don't live a biblical life, then you aren't doing your job either. If you believe one thing but do another, then you probably never really believed the first to begin with. God's Word is supposed to transform our lives.
Don't have enough time to do all the laundry, go to all the games, play with your kids, pack them fancy lunches, dress them in designer clothes, AND teach them about God's Word? Me either. So, stop doing the non-essentials and focus on the essential. As my grandma and grandpa used to say, "Dirt will keep." Cleaning the house is even secondary to God's Word. When I die and stand before the Lord, He will not condemn me for not playing with my children, having piles of laundry still to do, missing my children's sports games, or even not keeping up with the vacuuming. However, if I refused to obey God's command to teach my children about Him, I will have deep regrets and He will find me guilty. So, today, I will choose to focus on what is most important - Jesus. And I will do what I can in all the other areas without sacrificing the most important.
I have fond memories of growing up unsupervised exploring our neighborhood with fellow neighborhood kids. We played cops and robbers, mimicked school on our front porch, ran our bikes down the middle of residential streets, and were generally told to keep outside all summer long. As a six year old, I had enormous freedom. I also remember getting bored and wondering if I could harvest marigold seeds from my mothers flowers, package them, and start a business. I believe my friend and I opted to run a lemonade stand instead - probably a wise choice seeing as that the marigold business plan would not have been too profitable. Sometimes my mom would play with me, but more often than not, she tied one end of a rope to the garage door and told me to play jump rope with a friend. You see, she was busy doing mom things and I was busy doing kid things.
Fast forward to today, and the standard for parenting in America has changed. Many Christian women now believe and advise that we are to be everything to our kids. That's an interesting idea and utterly unattainable when you have 3 or more children. Perhaps if you only have a child or two, you might feel successful controlling every minute of your child's life. But we have six, so our family stays fairly busy and many of my kids function on their own without my input for most of the day. Gasp! Let the comments of condemnation from social media commence!
According to facebook advice from fellow Christians, I am supposed to:
1) Go to all my kids games2) Pack my children's lunches and add I love you notes.
3) Play with my children and set up play dates for my children.
4) Read to my kids (okay...this one I do every day)
5) Always be ready to listen to my kids and give them my undivided attention
6) Never spank my children
7) Believe my children are my everything
8) Build up my child's self confidence
9) Ensure that my children don't feel bad
10) Other advice...usually in meme form
None of this is biblical - not even the reading to your kids part. I told Derik the other day, "You know, parents who do all of this are teaching their children that they are the center of the universe. That can't be healthy."
Now, I'm not opposed to attending a child's game. Believe me, between all these kids, we go to a lot. I'm also very much for reading to children. I'll drop a note in a lunch from time to time. And I let my children play with other kids and invite other kids here. On a rare occasion, I'll even play with my own children - usually a board game or sport. However, I am a parent, not a child. I have parent things to do. My kids do their own laundry starting at 10. They also pack their own lunches. And they play with each other. Very rarely do my children even ask me to play with them. That's not my job.
My main role as a mother is not to make my children feel good about themselves, but rather to teach them about God. We talk about God every single day. He is the center of what we do, how we think, and He surpasses everything, even our feelings. Hanging on our wall (until it fell and broke) was this verse written on birch bark: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." (Deuteronomy 6:5) I would have had more written on there, but you can only fit so many words onto a strip of bark. However the following four verses were not lost on me: "These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."
American parenting guilt does not come from the Bible. However, we SHOULD feel guilty when we do not teach our children the truth. If you are a Christian and you are letting your children decide for themselves how to navigate the spiritual world, then you should feel very guilty. As followers of Christ, we are supposed to not only teach our children the truth found in God's Word, but we are also supposed to apply that truth to our own lives. So if you harp on the Bible to your kids, but don't live a biblical life, then you aren't doing your job either. If you believe one thing but do another, then you probably never really believed the first to begin with. God's Word is supposed to transform our lives.
Don't have enough time to do all the laundry, go to all the games, play with your kids, pack them fancy lunches, dress them in designer clothes, AND teach them about God's Word? Me either. So, stop doing the non-essentials and focus on the essential. As my grandma and grandpa used to say, "Dirt will keep." Cleaning the house is even secondary to God's Word. When I die and stand before the Lord, He will not condemn me for not playing with my children, having piles of laundry still to do, missing my children's sports games, or even not keeping up with the vacuuming. However, if I refused to obey God's command to teach my children about Him, I will have deep regrets and He will find me guilty. So, today, I will choose to focus on what is most important - Jesus. And I will do what I can in all the other areas without sacrificing the most important.
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