When Husbands Hurt

"My soldiers don't question me!" said my husband only a year into our marriage.  I could have initiated a verbal assault, but instead I laughed and said, "Good thing I'm not your soldier."  Ironically laughing made the situation worse. Thankfully, we've moved beyond the "do what I say" years, but sometimes my husband still says and does things which hurt me.  Being single for the first 30 years of his life and growing up an only child, the man was not a practiced sharer.  He was also accustomed to getting his own way.  In fact, he was very selfish.  I could make a list of all the hurtful things he said to me in order to leverage his authority, but I won't because it wouldn't be productive.

Over the past decade, he's gotten a lot better.  His words and actions are much less hurtful.  But just last week he did something unintentionally which bothered me deeply.  And I began to wonder, how should a Christian wife process hurt hurled at them by their husband?  Even if you have a solid marriage, sometimes your spouse still does things to hurt you.  And if you have a rocky marriage, perhaps your spouse intentionally tries to hurt you.  So, how do we respond to hurt from the one who is supposed to love us best?

First and Foremost - Believe The Truth
A long time ago before my husband came on the scene, I was married to a different man.  A man who cheated on me, abused me, and lied to me.  Except, I didn't always know he was lying, cheating, or abusive.  In fact, I thought he told the truth and all the bad that was happening to me was my fault.  It was a difficult and confusing time.  He would tell me I was ugly to get what he wanted and then beautiful when I did what he asked.  He would tell me I was worthless if I didn't make enough money to support his habits and then outstanding when I worked extra jobs to put money in the bank.  He wouldn't come home at night, and he would blame it on me for not keeping the house clean enough.  So, I worked extra hard to do everything he wanted, but it was never good enough for long enough.  Eventually, I got to a breaking point.  I had extremely low self esteem.  I was cut off from many of my friends and family.  But I had a Bible and I knew God, so I prayed that God would help me to understand the truth and believe the truth.  While I knew the Bible, for some reason, God's words didn't sit as deeply as my ex-husband's words.  So I had to  focus on the truth in order for it to have greater weight in my life than the weight of men.  I learned that I was loved by God unconditionally.  I learned that my beauty didn't come from my outward appearance, but from my devotion to God.  I learned that God did not condone my ex-husband's behavior, and that it was exceedingly sinful.  I learned to put God at his rightful place in my life and make my spouse secondary.  The truth of God's Word is more powerful than the fleeting words of men.   John 8:32 reads, "and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."  In every interaction, I aligned what my spouse said against the Word of God.  I still do this.  And if there is contradiction.  I believe God.

Second - Speak Truth at the Appropriate Time 
As an opinionated and strong woman, I don't shy away from confrontation.  When people lie to me, I often call them out.  Replacing lies with truth is extremely important.  However, it is also important to do this at an appropriate time.  In the midst of a debate, your words may not sit as deeply as they would in a calm moment.  My husband and I can have heated debates.  We are both strong opinionated people.  If he says something to me that isn't true, I will often say, "That's not true."  If he does something that contradicts God's Word, I'll tell him, "That isn't biblical."  However, I've learned that I don't need to pound Bible verses on him daily and I certainly don't need to point out his every flaw.  If it is a recurring problem, I'll make sure to address it in the appropriate manner at the appropriate time.  Because we are all commanded to speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). We're not supposed to pummel each other in an effort to win an argument.

Third - Communicate and Compromise
If you don't have open lines of communication with your spouse, you will have trouble.  In order to resolve problems you both have to talk.  And while you cannot make your spouse talk, you can and should be a person to whom your spouse can confide.  If you are going to blab to your friends and family about all your spouse's faults, then you are heaping salt on a wound.  No one wants to be badmouthed and no one would share their inmost feelings if they were going to be broadcast outside the home.  Everyone needs to hold a certain degree of confidentiality in order for communication lines to be open.  Once you have both spoken your side of things, then compromise can begin.   People often think compromise is meeting halfway.  But for us, compromise is going all the way.  In a disagreement, as long as sin isn't involved, I will do what my husband wants.  Similarly, he'll do what I want.  And because we are both looking out for the other person, we often find a happy solution.  When you look out for your own interests first and don't get everything you want, you won't be happy with the outcome.  Ephesians 4:15 reads, "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Fourth - Humbly Hold Boundaries
Regardless of how well you move through the first three steps, some spouses refuse to participate because they don't want to give up control.  And while it can be extremely frustrating, you cannot make your spouse do anything.  Some people are simply stubbornly sinful.  Your job is not to control your spouse, but rather control yourself.  If you are in an abusive situation, step away from it. (No, I'm not advocating divorce, but rather safety.)  My current husband has never hit me.  He would break me in an instant.  But if he did, I would leave my home and take the kids with me.  There are certain boundaries that if my husband were to cross, I would physically remove myself and the children - not in a huge huff, but in a quiet calm manner so that we both understood certain dangerous and sinful behaviors would not be tolerated in our home.

Fifth - Seek Counseling
Many men believe going to counseling is a sign of weakness. This line of thinking is so common that I have heard it from men in my church within the last year! Many men also believe that hitting is a sign of strength.  The truth is, real strength is doing what is hard.  Hitting is easy.  Restraining yourself takes mental fortitude.  Having a terrible marriage is easy.  Going to counseling in order to learn how to work things out is hard.  If you are in a problematic marriage and you cannot find a path forward, seek Christian counseling.  If your spouse refuses to go, go by yourself.  Proverbs 12:15 "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice."

A good marriage is comprised of two people following Christ and loving one another.  Few people have a good marriage, and sadly most people are discontent in their marriage.  But all hope is not lost.  Your marriage can always be better.  Don't give up.  You cannot control your spouse, but you can and should control yourself.  Honor God in all that you do - especially within your marriage.