Fight with God
At the age of 26, I had a fight with God. On the outside, my life looked put together, but on the inside, everything was coming unraveled. There was trouble in every arena - relationships, health, finances, etc. Not one part of my life was peaceful. So, I yelled at God
I told Him that I didn't deserve anything He had thrown my way. I accused Him of not protecting me and treating me unfairly. After all, I had served Him my whole life and what did I have to show for it? Nothing but pain, suffering, and trouble. I logically explained to God all that He had done wrong and how He had let me down. Then I wept from the bottom of my soul.
The next year was exceptionally difficult. God didn't fix anything. In fact, it all got worse. Every single area of my life became more difficult and problematic. So, I decided to do my own thing and go my own way. I decided God wasn't as good as He said He was and I was just a pawn in His board game of life. Surprisingly, I met someone who agreed with me. He professed that God wasn't good, when we died we ceased to exist, morality was a mere construct of society, and the best manipulators win. You might think his line of thinking would encourage me in my own. But it didn't. It stopped me dead in my tracks.
My fight with God came to an end. I had a life long decision to make. Were my feelings going to dictate what I believed? Or was I willing to accept that truth was found outside of myself? We can choose to make ourselves gods of our own lives, refuse to except God's plan, His law, or believe what He has said, and put our faith in chance. Or we can submit our will to God's, understanding that even though we hurt and feel hopeless, God has a much bigger understanding of the situation than we do. He already knows the outcome and has determined every step along the way. Like a toddler fighting her parents because she doesn't want to go to bed, I kicked and screamed my way through the situation. But God had His way in my life. He won, and I am so glad He did. I needed that problem to be whom God wanted me to be.
Today, I am 14 years out from the situation. Back then, I never imagined the goodness God had in store for me. I didn't know that today I would be sitting here with my life put back together in a way only God could orchestrate. I did not know how my faith would grow strong and my love for God deep. I did not know I had to walk through a valley where I could not find my way, to reach the clearing where God restored my soul and bathed me in peace. I did not know any of it. But God did. While I suffered and didn't understand, God was patient with me, took my hand, and lead me to the end. All the while, He knew there was something better. He was always trustworthy and always good. He always does what is best.
I am not alone in my experience. Many have gone this way before me and will continue to do so after me. David knew this too, and wrote about it:
I told Him that I didn't deserve anything He had thrown my way. I accused Him of not protecting me and treating me unfairly. After all, I had served Him my whole life and what did I have to show for it? Nothing but pain, suffering, and trouble. I logically explained to God all that He had done wrong and how He had let me down. Then I wept from the bottom of my soul.
The next year was exceptionally difficult. God didn't fix anything. In fact, it all got worse. Every single area of my life became more difficult and problematic. So, I decided to do my own thing and go my own way. I decided God wasn't as good as He said He was and I was just a pawn in His board game of life. Surprisingly, I met someone who agreed with me. He professed that God wasn't good, when we died we ceased to exist, morality was a mere construct of society, and the best manipulators win. You might think his line of thinking would encourage me in my own. But it didn't. It stopped me dead in my tracks.
My fight with God came to an end. I had a life long decision to make. Were my feelings going to dictate what I believed? Or was I willing to accept that truth was found outside of myself? We can choose to make ourselves gods of our own lives, refuse to except God's plan, His law, or believe what He has said, and put our faith in chance. Or we can submit our will to God's, understanding that even though we hurt and feel hopeless, God has a much bigger understanding of the situation than we do. He already knows the outcome and has determined every step along the way. Like a toddler fighting her parents because she doesn't want to go to bed, I kicked and screamed my way through the situation. But God had His way in my life. He won, and I am so glad He did. I needed that problem to be whom God wanted me to be.
I am not alone in my experience. Many have gone this way before me and will continue to do so after me. David knew this too, and wrote about it:
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
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